How To Respond After Losing Your Cool

You lost your cool and barked at your class—or at a certain student.

You had a weak moment and took matters into your own hands instead of following your classroom management plan.

And now you’re beating yourself up for it.

You’re convinced that you’ve ruined everything, that you’ve undone all the influence, trust, and goodwill you’ve built up since the start of the year.

That your students will never look at you the same way again.

It’s a terrible feeling.

Yes, you messed up. You made a mistake, or a series of mistakes, and it seems like the end of the world.

But it’s okay. Really. With the right response, you can turn your bad moment into a positive lesson for both you and your students.

Here’s how:

Review it.

Instead of pushing the incident out of your mind and moving on, take some time to review it. Sit with your eyes closed and watch it unfold all over again.

Although you may wince, it’s helpful to understand why you reacted the way you did. This alone goes a long way toward ensuring that it doesn’t happen again.

Address it.

After giving yourself time to reflect, and let any lingering frustration dissipate, briefly address the incident with your class—even if it involved only one student.

“Yesterday, several students broke rules during group work. They were moving around, disturbing others, and I raised my voice instead of holding them accountable.”

Own it.

While not letting the misbehaving student(s) off the hook, admit your mistake. Take responsibility for your part in the disruption, added tension, or lack of focused learning.

“I messed up. It wasn’t okay how I reacted. It wasn’t okay that I didn’t follow through on my promise to protect your right to learn and enjoy being part of this class.”

Apologize.

Now, while still speaking to your whole class, apologize directly to those affected by your mistake, whether it be to everyone or just the student or students involved.

“I’m sorry I raised my voice and lectured rather than enforcing a consequence.”

Remind.

The steps above are a perfect segue into a reminder about expected behavior. It brings out into the open the misbehavior in question and redefines its transgression of the rules.

“I want to remind you, however, that leaving your group and talking off-topic interferes with learning and is against the class rules. I’m going to be watching closely, and if I see it in the future, you will be held accountable.”

Move on.

There is no reason to belabor the point or wait for a reaction from your students. Say your peace and be done with it. Move on to the next lesson or activity as if nothing happened.

“Alright, when I say ‘go’ you’re going to meet with your reading group.”

The Lesson

Addressing your mistake and boldly apologizing for it does several things—all good.

First, it’s an example for your students to follow. It provides a model for them, in a very real way, how they should respond when they’ve made a mistake or gone back on their word.

Second, students—and people in general—are quick to forgive those who openly admit their wrongdoings. It’s rare in this day and age, and thus more powerful and meaningful than ever.

Third, vulnerability makes you more likable. It makes you more authentic and your lessons more interesting, allowing you to build easy rapport with your students.

Finally, it’s humbling to make a public admission. In a small way, it changes you from the inside and makes repeating the same reactionary mistakes over and over again far less likely.

Your Strength

Apologizing to students isn’t a weakness. It won’t lessen your authority or “lower you to their level.” It won’t make you look like a wobbly-kneed pushover.

No, it will make you stronger.

It will make you more confident and influential. It will make you more of the kind of leader your students will respect and admire.

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19 thoughts on “How To Respond After Losing Your Cool”

  1. This. This is me. Right now. I was feeling totally crushed, and then your blog popped into my mailbox. I’m so glad that I subscribe to your blog because I was feeling too down to even look online for answers. I just felt like a failure. Thank you for posting this and guiding me through it while making me feel less alone! I am going to reflect this weekend and put your advice to action on Monday. I feel a bit better already. Not great, but at least not totally crushed.

    Reply
    • Thanks for this blog. I was actually in that situation on Wednesday and have been feeling terrible.Thanks, I will try my best not to loose my cool.

      Reply
      • In my 3rd grade classroom I probably apologize 3…maybe 4 times a year for some interaction fiasco🤷🏾‍♀️. Invariably I get a note from a random student telling me how they liked how I handled that & they were sorry too…
        Feels authentic—and that’s all I aim for!

        Reply
  2. I always enjoy your posts and have learned so much from you!
    For me, a pure apology has always worked best. When I’ve done something wrong, and I attach the excuse for my behavior to my apology (you misbehaved so I yelled!) then my apology loses strength.
    An apology in its purest form doesn’t mention the other person’s fault. They already know what it is, and mentioning it makes them defensive.
    So I can say, “Yesterday you heard me bark at students in this classroom. That was a wrong response, I apologized to them, and I want you to know I’m sorry.”
    We don’t want to teach our kids to blame others, like, “You hit me so I hit you but I’m sorry!” That’s like saying I would never misbehave if you didn’t make me! No one else’s wrongdoing can make me do the wrong thing. I choose that.
    Leaving them out of the apology and not pointing at them as the catalyst for my bad behavior gives them a chance to review their own behavior without defensiveness.
    What do you think?

    Reply
    • I hear your point but I think this approach puts all blame on the teacher whereas Michael’s shares the responsibility. Referring to the ‘Classroom Management Plan’ depersonalizes the situation unlike the “You hit me, I hit you” which is highly personal. I completely agree with your point in personal matters.
      I feel lighter and enjoy teaching so much more using Michael’s approach and I see myself more as a sports umpire when managing behavior which frees me up to build more positive relationships.

      Reply
  3. How did you know this happened to me on Thursday? 🙂 Timely advice and spot-on. Great way to hold yourself – and students – accountable and to reinforce expectations. Thank you as always, Michael.

    Reply
  4. Your weekly Saturday emails are always useful, but never has one been so on target or received as being so influential by me as this one. As a veteran teacher, with more than twenty years in the classroom, I experienced a particularly rough few days this week. I plan to contemplate on this, take your words to heart, and to follow through with this plan on Monday. Thanks for the inspiration.

    Reply
  5. Had this happen this week. I’d had to evacuate my classroom 4 minutes into entry (1st grade) when a student lost control and was endangering others. We returned into the room about 5 minutes later and carried on. I had lots of adults coming in and out getting info from me and dealing with the student who was deescalated in the back of my classroom. After a bit, I realized a student was gone. Breakfast 1/2 eaten on his desk. I went to both bathrooms in our hallway, called, no answer, another adult did the same, no kid. As I am calling the office for a search he walks in. I asked where he was and he smirked and shrugged. I asked him again in a firm voice and he said the bathroom. All of my adrenaline from the past 15 minutes took hold and I lost my cool big time. It was one of those – I want to hug them and spank them as the same time moments a parent might encounter when a lost kid is found.

    Once I’d collected myself I brought the kids to the carpet and apologized. I gave examples of strategies I could have used….deep breathing or walking away for a minute. I then apologized and explained how scared I was about a student being missing. I explained this is why they always need to let me know when they leave the room. I promised to do better and ask for them to forgive me for upsetting the room. They of course did and several told me I was the best teacher ever. 😉 We then moved on.

    I still was beating myself up a bit but I pretended I was fine and we carried on. The kids were so sweet and understanding.

    When you screw up, apologize! It’s good for everyone involved!

    Reply
  6. Agree with everything but the apology. Once saw a teacher apologize the next day for her angry tirade towards her class the day before. Thereafter the class became even more defiant than previously. She now felt like they saw her as a pushover.

    Agree with reflecting, having the conversation, and never allowing yourself to get that angry, but the apology can backfire.

    Reply
    • I respectfully disagree with your opinion, which you are basing off of one situation with one particular teacher. Accountability goes a long way on both sides, and a sincere apology is modeling for students how to hold yourself accountable in an appropriate manner.
      I have engaged in and/or witnessed dozens upon dozens of sincere apologies from staff to students in over 18 years working in therapeutic and general education schools, and the power of a sincere apology has been one of the most valuable teaching tools a teacher can use in establishing a classroom culture of mutual respect.
      I have never experienced a sincere apology backfire, ever.

      Reply
    • Steve,

      As a teacher who has apologized a lot for my mistakes, I know that there are two ways it can go. When you apologize, but don’t review your expectations afterwards, and are just “nicer” without holding students accountable, then yes, they do see you as a pushover.

      But when you apologize, review your expectations, and continue holding them accountable in a respectful manner, the impact of that apology and respectful accountability is powerful, and actually makes your relationship with your students stronger. It sounds like the teacher you are talking about apologized and then continued to feel bad, and stopped holding students accountable. I have been there. That’s a mistake that will lead you right back to where you were when you got frustrated and raised your voice.

      Reply
  7. This happened to me on Friday. The child affected started calling me a “bad teacher”. My response? “Well, you’re a bad student.” (SMH now) Your email came at just the right time, and I will go in tomorrow to apologize for my bad behavior but I will let that student know that he will not get away with his bad behavior, and that he will be held accountable next time.

    Reply
  8. My kids had a teacher who told the kids at the beginning of the year that a teacher can never lose his temper with a student. Sometimes, it might be necessary for the teacher to act as if he is angry if that’s what the student needs. This teacher must have repeated it several times over the next period of time. One day he lost his temper and said, “Wow. I almost fooled myself that time.” The kids loved it. Of course, you need to have the personality and relationship with to kids to pull that off, but it worked.

    Reply
  9. This also teaches the students how to own up to something they did and how to appropriately apologize for it. Sadly, it’s a skill that needs to needs to be taught.

    Reply
  10. I agree with this strategy. It is an excellent way to show respect. When I don’t apologize, I feel like a HYPOCRITE! I am not modeling my rules. Apologizing is the right thing to do! Thank you for the informative article.

    Reply

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