This article is a long time coming.
It’s been on the list of most-requested topics for several years now, and it’s high time we cover it.
But it’s also been at the forefront of my mind. You see, a colleague recently tried to bully me.
It started with a series of subtle digs that grew more aggressively over time. Eventually, I was able to put a stop to it.
And I learned a few things along the way.
1. Take the high road.
The high road takes discipline. It takes swallowing your pride and keeping your tongue in check.
But in the long run you’ll be so glad you took it. Not only for your own peace of mind and self-worth, but because it weakens the bully and their power over you.
When you fight fire with fire, on the other hand, you’re no better than them. Furthermore, you all but guarantee yourself a battle that will never end.
2. Make persistent eye contact.
Bullies are cowards, and they can’t stand eye contact. By just looking them in the eye—and holding it—whenever they make a snide remark, you make them uncomfortable.
You give them pause.
It may not stop them in the short term. After all, they bully because they get away with it. But in time, it will unnerve them. It will mark you as someone who won’t be pushed around.
3. Resist.
Bully teachers like to tell people what to do, which on a school campus can be awkward. After all, you have the same level of authority.
But because you just want to get along, do your job, and get back to your family without stress, you try to ignore it. Which never works. In fact, avoidance only empowers them.
What you must do is politely and calmly resist.
4. Stand your ground.
To resist, I’ve found that just saying “No, I’m not going to do that”—and then holding your ground with direct eye contact—is the most powerful response.
It leaves them with nothing much to say. Remember, they’re cowards. If they do try to argue or push your buttons, don’t budge.
Don’t go back on your word. Don’t argue your point. Just stick to your guns, unmovable, like an iron stake hammered into frozen ground.
5. Be consistent.
If you look them in the eye and calmly resist day after day, you’ll wear them out. Bullies don’t like a challenge. They look for weak prey, those who are new in their role or timid and sensitive by nature.
They may put up a stronger fight at first in response to your resistance and be even nastier.
But if you’re consistent and don’t give in, they’ll back down. They’ll stop speaking to you or even looking in your direction.
They’ll pretend you’re not there, which, although another form of bullying, is the last gasp of a dying breath.
6. Slay the dragon.
At some point, they’ll approach you sheepishly. They’ll concede either by apology or olive branch that they met their match. Sometimes they’ll gently give you some “heartfelt” advice, which is their gutless way of trying to save face.
Accept their apology, but with a caveat. Now is the time—the only time you’ll have—to give them some honest but bitter words for them to swallow.
Calmly say, “I don’t want to hear advice from you again” or “never again tell me what to do.”
Harsh? I don’t think so. You’re doing them and everyone you work with a favor. Catch them when they’re defeated, and it will humble them, at least while in your presence.
Ever Vigilant
You must remain vigilant to ensure that the bully continues to mind their manners. Because, if given even a crack of light in the foundation of your strength, they’ll slither through.
And lie in wait like a snake in the grass.
So continue to stand your ground. Make eye contact during every interaction. Keep them under wraps not just for you, but for your entire school community.
Oh, you may hear them complain under their breath once in a while. They may stomp off to the parking lot or give everyone the silent treatment one day. But it will mean nothing.
Just the echos of a once proud and self-righteous fool.
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What do teachers do about parents who refuse to partner or collaborate with systemic, long term failure by a school? Whem they want nothing to do with you? When they wont listen at all? Need advice on that… reality.
Great question. I have had a number of parents and grandparents that will work with me when other teachers have sworn the same parent was unreasonable or difficult to work with. My secret is positive communication, empathy, and flexibility. It doesn’t work with EVERY person, but I start early and often beginning with postcards to parents and students before the year begins. I invite them to join my Remind class and open the lines of communication before there is ever a chance for negativity. Usually the first month of school is pretty breezy with discipline and effort, so I use that time to send home positive praise and accomplishment as often as I can. (This also cuts out classroom rewards! There’s nothing kids and parents like better than their success being acknowledged.) Then, when things start to go downhill, I kick in the empathy… find out root causes of behaviors (I.e. health issues, job loss, schedule changes, unstable home environment) and acknowledge that you understand their struggles, BUT you still feel it’s important for students to be accountable. And finally, there’s no true empathy if you can’t be a little flexible in your expectations. Don’t make exceptions, but make accommodations, just as you would for any student with and IEP. If Johnny can’t get his homework done at home, he can do it during recess or lunch and it will still be accepted. It’s probably the hardest part of my job, getting parents on board, but so worth the effort and time. 🙂
This is great, bravo!!! You’re honest that it’s hard work sometimes, but everything worthwhile costs something.
👍👏👌💪😀!
👏👍🏼
Thank you so much Micheal for this great advice… coming from a teacher that was bullied at my last school this article was very helpful.
Yours in education,
Mathieu
How elegantly written. Thank you. I went through the exact same thing once and what you said about “calmly and politely” and not to back down is very important. I’ll add, give a polite Victorian apology like “I apologise I really cannot manage” which means “I’m not going to do that” but with the feigned submission of an apology and a reason (excuse), which softens the rebellion of the refusal.
Yes! I have used all of these tactics and find that taking the high road preserves my sense of dignity and integrity. Don’t ever complain to other colleagues, even though you trust venting to them, as your venting will always get back to them. I try not to take offense at their snarkey comments, leaving a mess at the copier as I wait to clean it up, making rude comments about me in ear shot, and referring to me by my department subject. Oops, just broke my own rule?
OH, have I been here! Long story short, a kindergarten aid didn’t like the all natural hand sanitizer that I used and claimed that it gave her migraines. She repeatedly walked into my room while I had students complaining. During those times I gave her information about the antibacterial agents in the sanitizer to let her know one of my purposes for using it. One day she came in and I had just had it so when she again demanded that I stop using it, I told her that I would stop using it when everyone else in the school stopped using Lysol spray and Clorox wipes which made me sick (I had never mentioned this to anyone but my team mates.) She stormed off saying something about getting a 504 for her migraines and making the building a “chemical-free” building. Well, as you can imagine, that never happened and I never heard from her about the issue again.
I totally use a lot of what Michael Linsin writes about. However, I must comment about your post. Some people are extremely sensitive to certain odors and chemical products. I am one of those people. I can go along for a long time without any reactions, but then all of a sudden something can make me nauseous or I can get a migraine from it. I am very careful to root out the odor so that I can stay away from it. You might want to give the aide the benefit of the doubt and ask her about the hand sanitizer. Maybe you do need to change it for her. Or better yet ask her if there is one that doesn’t bother her and switch to it to see if it helps; not just her migraines but also your relationship.
Hello.
Your articles always match what I need I my career. I was wondering what you suggest if the bully collegue has friends on the staff who aren’t bullies but believe most everything the bully says? I’m moving from my classroom to a new position next year where I’ll be interacting with staff across all grade levels and I need to intervene on this behavior so I can do my job and help the students I serve without being at an internal war with staff who listen to this bully.
Thank you.
Courtney
Michael I always love your advice. I have been waiting for this article. I think I may have slayed the beast halfway through this past year. And, yes, she stopped talking to me and pretended I wasn’t even there. Which is fine with me. We’ll see what happens this next year when I have to plan with her each week!
Great advice.
I would al sad o love an article on what to do about a colleague who bullies students.
*also love
Excellent advice Michael. I had someone bully me once during my first year of teaching. I handled it very differently. I wish I could go back in time…
This is great! Thank you so much. Much-needed advice!
Michael, thanks for your work. I would love to see an article about what to do if that bully is your administrator. There are a few building principals in our district who are definitely bullies. Although of course people can go to HR or the union, there is retaliation. Simply resigning and finding a new job isn’t always an option.
Yes, that is a very common problem. The power dynamic is very different. I asked for a mediator with my administrator and was prepared to tell her specific incidences that had affected me. She had a habit of ignoring me when we passed in the hallway or saw each other in the faculty workroom – and she has made an effort since our meeting to remember to say hi. That has made a big difference.
I wish I knew years ago that what I was dealing with was bullying. Instead I thought it was my own lack of confidence that then affected my classroom performance, along with the constant anxiety. Nope….I learned the real truth and left to find a better school. It hasn’t been easy doing that again BUT it was so worth it to be in an environment that appreciates you. My confidence soared, my constant chest heaviness left, I sleep better, and I enjoy my career again- I went into teaching for a reason and it was t to be treated like I was!
Anticipation along with experience is usually always the best weapon and strategy. However, when it comes to dealing with colleagues, parents, bosses or bullies, when you first detect what is going on with the other party, take a moment to reflect and plan what is the best angle to take in the matter. Then make your move. Words when spoken are not easy to, if at all erase nor take back. So my policy is “respond rather than react, or you will almost always “over-react” which is crucial”. Over 20 years, that is what has worked for me as an Art teacher.
As hard as it can be, don’t forget to also “kill them with kindness”! One of the most satisfying things is heaping the proverbial “coals of fire” on the heads of such people by saying or doing kind things when possible, especially when they know very well they don’t deserve it. Of course, you must be careful at the same time not to let them take advantage of you.
They don’t always change as a result, but you have the great satisfaction of taking the high road, as you said, and if they do change, as they sometimes have, it’s an amazing win-win victory!
Thanks so much for this. Perfect timing for me – I was going give up and skip a department meeting this week until I read this. Thank you.
This is all so true, Michael! I love my job; my bully puts a damper on my attitude sometimes. She thinks she’s the only one who knows how to teach.
We all have good qualities and methods. Hers are the best. 🙁
I stay in my classroom a lot.
The reality is there is so much psychological warfare among staff and Admin. at schools- day-in-day-out. It has made me dislike the teaching profession. So grateful for online learning as it’s respite from staff drama.
Teachers are the worst: we teach kids the evils of bullying and follow-through steps with adults. But teachers bully each other to no end and the targets have no recourse. Any attempts to tell Admin. only comes off as the target can’t get along with others, complains too much, doesn’t know how to handle their affairs, etc.
Great advice. I have a coworker who is very controlling. I found myself being bullied. You confirmed that I did all the right things. Your advice is very wise.
Michael, this advice is valid when dealing with adult bullies in any setting, not just school settings.
Can I ask, what if the bully is your boss?
As with any boss, you are expected to do what is asked of you.
As someone who has endured this, I can tell you what worked for me. I focused why I was there. It was my job. I gave that all my energy. I became better and better at my job, and did my best to be the very best version of myself at work. Turns out that can be very all-encompassing. They continued, but without any result. My bully moved on, eventually. And I got better at doing what I do. If you need emotional support about your work, find it elsewhere, not with colleagues, if it isn’t safe or available. Keep fighting the good fight, and never leave the high road.
When I was in the situation I tried my best to just do my job to the best of my ability. Honestly, I think that made it worse… I thought it might be the reason this person did bully me. So, taking the high road didn’t work for me. I even went to the principal to give a heads up about the situation. That didn’t help. Was shocked since we have to read and sign paperwork on bullying.
Loved this article!!
What about teachers who bully students, subtly, and get away with it?
This article was great! Thank you! What advice do you have about a principal who bullies and degrades and micromanage and likes to show power over you in front of other staff?
What about a bullying principal?
Outstanding advice, as usual. As we (hopefully) teach our students, one can never go wrong by taking the high road, being the bigger person, and choosing to be kind no matter what. It’s as old as the Golden Rule, and as timely today as it was when first spoken. You may think no one else on the faculty/staff knows what’s going on, but trust me, they do. They will see who is taking the high road, even if it’s never mentioned. “When they go low, we go high” applies to many life situations. Thanks, Michael, for this advice that is a healing balm for hurting people.
Thank you for this article. I appreciate your encouragement to be firm – it is something I struggle with as a naturally conflict-avoidant person.
I was following from points 1-5. No one deserves to be bullied, and in my experiences, bullies need to be confronted in those ways and to know they can’t push people around. My one concern has to do with point #6. It feels to me that it takes on more of a “know your place”/assertion of dominance, as opposed to a healthy resolution between colleagues. I truly believe that bullies are just hurt people that hurt people; the reason they bully (seek to have power over someone) is because they learned at a young age that it is a way of avoiding their own personal shame. My worry with “slaying the dragon” is that they will not be healed from their bullying ways, but rather just compound shame upon shame.
My question is this: how can we confront a bully’s behavior and hold them accountable, while reminding them that we are on the same team?
Thank you for this article! I have a narcissistic coworker who thinks she knows everything, yet who has half the experience I (and others) do in our grade level. She is constantly trying to one-up others, giving uninvited advice. “This is what I do…”. She will even call out students in my class who aren’t walking in line while her students are all over the place. Oddly enough, she was voted teacher of the year, although she yells at and terrorizes little kids. I heard her say to one child, “You’re a nightmare!” Now I know how to deal with her.
What are your suggestions for dealing with an administrator who is a bully? ( I am asking this question for countless educators.)
Thank you for writing this article. I read the comments and just thought how sad that this is such a problem. In some ways I feel a little better that it’s not just me but…. you really wouldn’t want an enemy to endure this kind of treatment. I would want to go to other staff and say that what they heard wasn’t true. I just do my job to the best of my ability and that leaves little time to think about it.
As a first year teacher last school year, I have a colleague like this as well. I’ve tried so many strategies including the ones in this article. She hasn’t stopped even after the principal spoke to her. If anything, her behavior towards me escalated. I’m not tenured and I don’t know what to do. That teacher has made the past school year a nightmare for me.
Very useful! You can always tell that you write from experience.