One of the keys to effective classroom management is to build relationships with students. Making personal connections–through humor, kindness, likeability, and more–is a powerful way to influence behavior.
It can also be astonishingly rewarding.
The give-and-take with students, the trusting rapport, the shared affection–these are the things that make teaching more than just a job.
But there is a danger in building relationships with students. There is a line that can never be crossed. If you try to connect with students on their level–in a peer-to-peer-like friendship–then your efforts to influence their behavior will backfire.
And you’ll struggle with classroom management.
Here’s why:
They won’t respect you.
Your students need someone to look up to, not a buddy to hang out with. You’re not a peer and therefore should never behave like one. When you use slang or try to be cool or become overly familiar, they’ll lose respect for you. Your influence comes from your position as their teacher, not their friend.
They’ll stop listening to you.
Becoming too informal or casual in your interactions with students will weaken the power of your words. The urgency for your students to listen and learn will wane as the year rolls on and more of them begin wearing a too-cool-for-school attitude.
They’ll challenge you.
As soon as students get a whiff of your “cool teacher” vibe, they’ll start challenging and testing you. And you’ll likely find yourself in a showdown with a few or more students bent on wresting control of the classroom from you.
Rules will no longer apply.
Your students will react to your buddy-buddy management style by routinely and nonchalantly breaking your rules. They’ll stand and approach you in the middle of a lesson. They’ll stop raising their hand. They’ll assume, since you are friends, that the rules don’t really apply to them.
Consequences are taken personally.
Your students will start reacting to being placed in time-out by blaming you. They’ll become hurt and angry with you for merely doing what you said you would. Some may even pout, have a mini temper tantrum, or refuse to talk to you.
Accountability no longer works.
Accountability only works when students acknowledge internally that they indeed made a mistake. But if, when sitting in time-out, they’re mad at you because they feel you betrayed them by putting them there, then there is no accountability and no motivation to improve their behavior.
You become lax in following your classroom management plan.
Because your students tend to act dramatically when given a consequence, you will naturally begin to shy away from following your classroom management plan. You’ll tiptoe around them. So instead of you having leverage to influence their behavior, they now have leverage with you.
Tips For Building Influence
Building influential relationships with students without confusing them about who you are and what your role is isn’t difficult. Follow the tips below, and you’ll be the teacher they need instead of the friend who disappoints them.
- Be a teacher, mentor, and role model, but never a friend.
- Maintain a polite but warm level of professional distance.
- Engage in the same friendly banter with all students.
- Don’t use slang or terms popular with them.
- Model politeness and expect it in return.
- Follow your classroom management plan as it’s written.
- Focus less on individual relationships and more on creating a classroom your students love coming to every day.
Influence that is powerful enough to get your students to want to behave and want to learn is not born of peer-like friendship, casualness, or laid-back coolness.
It is born of likeability and respect.
If your students like you because you’re friendly and good-humored, and they respect you because you always do what you say you’re going to do…
Then influence grows naturally.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for that EXCELLENT post Michael!
Everything you mentioned about becoming friends with students is absolutely true. I think the same thing happens to parents who try to become best friends with their child.
I wanted to mention another consequence of becoming too friendly with some students: If you are only friendly with some it will cause resentment from the other students. Fairness and equal treatment is VERY important in the classroom and kids pick up on it if a teacher treats certain students better.
I get students who want to hit “knuckles” …what would you do in that case?
Thanks,
Bryan
Hi Bryan,
You’re absolutely right. It’s important that a teacher is friendly to all students. As for bumping knuckles, again, as long as you freely do it with all students–and it’s initiated by you–I think it’s fine. If they are reaching their fist out to you, I think it’s okay as long as they are doing it in a respectful manner.
Michael
Very interesting post. I am always worried about crossing the line into “friend-zone” with my students. I teach art class K-8, which is fun and relaxed subject to begin with. I am 26 but look 16, and I am guilty of using their “slang” words when I am trying to get something across to them. Whoops, something to work on. I also get the students who want to hit knuckles. I just do it quickly and half-heartedly because I prefer that over the students who want to hug. I will hug the K-2nd grade without hesitation, 3rd-5th with a little hesitation. I usually turn down anyone older and I tell them “I am your teacher, not your friend”, and they usually make a big deal of it saying “Ouch. I got treated”, etc. It is mostly a problem with the boys because I question their intentions. (It has become “cool” to crush on me, so I’ve have had problems with boys being disrespectful and inappropriate in discrete ways) Any suggestions as to how to better deal with the hugging?
Hi Virginia,
The best way to handle it is to be honest and straightforward. Say, “I really appreciate your hugs, and you know how wonderful I think you all are, but no hugging please.” And then move on. They won’t think any different of you and no one will feel slighted or embarrassed if you announce it to the entire class(es).
Michael
I happen to be a student myself. Many of my teachers are my in school friends. And I am highly aware that even though they are my friends I am no different from the other people.
Excuse my above typos..
But I forgot to add, the above list isn’t always the case, but mainly the case at times. Also, I think a teacher of mine reads this and her class is wonderful. You’ve influenced many, great article!!
Thanks Sangria!
hi,
i sometimes looking for something that would make them participate in a class discussion.. but my lecture is in big hall accommodated about 200-300 pax.so any suggestion? pls PM me.. tq
Hi Eja,
I’m not sure what you’re asking. Can you please email me? I’m happy to help.
Michael